Applying what I learned
Filed under Writing Journal on May 4, 2006
Tagged: Shattered Amulet
The biggest storytelling lesson I learned from Maiden was expansion. Details are what make a scene vivid and give it impact. Phil pointed out several areas from the first draft that suffered from happening offstage or being summarized.
I found myself applying this lesson right away when I jumped back into Shattered Amulet. I reorganized the first couple chapters when I outlined the book. Chapters one and two had opening vignettes that I felt would serve better as a prologue because they didn’t introduce the main character, but rather set the stage for current events. However, as I reread through them, I was struck by the imbalance of summary in both. I had actually submitted chapter two in a college workshop, and some of the feedback I got went directly to the lack of details in the action of that opening scene. Below is the original opening scene from chapter one, written close to five years ago:
The caravan rattled along the road as it descended from the foothills of the southern Arunwol Mountains and into the valley. The merchant Gillam and his lady rode in the lead wagon, while hired swords in leather tunics and pants drove the remaining wagons or rode horseback alongside as escort. It was not far now to the fortress-city of Jordia. Gillam estimated that they should reach there by nightfall. That was a good thing, for there were strange reports of misshapen creatures descending from the mountains and attacking travelers in the borderlands. And his rump, well padded though it was, could not take much more of the bouncing and jarring administered by the poor conditions of the Tradeway. He was definitely going to have to speak to Guildmaster Soren about increasing his budget for infrastructure repair.
A rustle in the tall trees and bushes that lined the road drew everyone’s attention. The wagonmaster signaled a group of men to break off from the caravan and investigate. Three of the dozen guards drew their swords and swung their horses toward the forest’s edge. No sooner had they stepped off the road than a horde of short, hairless bodies with oversized heads, hands and feet rushed from out of the woods on both sides and attacked. The three riders hewed down the first to reach them, but were soon swarmed over by the mass of pale yellowish skin. The horses’ screams were quickly silenced as the creatures advanced. The remaining guards had drawn their swords and stood with their backs to the wagons, but there were too many. In moments, all lay dead but Gillam and his wife, who huddled together in fear.
The milling throng separated as a larger figure came forward. This creature had grey flesh with just a hint of green. Ratty dreadlocks of faded black framed a sloping forehead, pointy ears, beady red eyes, a pig-like snout and tusks that spiked out from a jutting lower jaw. It drew a wickedly curved blade and Gillam’s eyes grew wide with fright. He stammered and sobbed for mercy.
“Shut up,” the thing grunted and prodded the rolls of Gillam’s belly with the point of his weapon. The merchant yelped once and then shook his wife until her wails turned to whimpers. The leader motioned for two of the smaller creatures to tie up the pair and move them to the rear of the wagon. Then the raiders steered them off into the darkness of the forest.
As if posting that isn’t embarrassing enough, let me further shame myself by sharing that at the time, I thought the above passage was God’s gift to fantasy literature. Thankfully, I have learned more about the craft since–and learned some humility. The scene has undergone a major rewrite. What started as 416 words of summary has grown to 1145 words of detail that I hope will suck the reader in.
You’re going to have to wait for the book before you read those, however.
Related Posts
- Filling in details
- The evolution of Logan Shadowhand
- Logan Shadowhand: a retrospective (part one)
- The purpose of a prologue
- Skipping the details
